Monday, March 28

past time's pastimes

Receipts - who keeps them?

Unfortunately for my room, I'm a minor hoarder; I keep everything I get just in case that one day I need it. I've been trying to combat this by, er, throwing it away (surprise, surprise). I finally had the guts to take out useless crap in my wallet. (Finally!) And, uh, it was a nice sight.

Above you can see all of my receipts I've kept since freshman year or earlier - I'm not sure. Though the stack probably looks a bit on the skimpy side (I rarely shop for myself), the money spent reported on the receipts calculates to be just a little shy of $400. For 4 years (excluding certain shopping trips and innumerable movie tickets funded by my sister(s)), that's a pretty healthy amount - maybe even less than normal (this stack includes AP test purchases, yearbook, dance tickets, etc.).

When you clean up your room, garage, basement, or what have you, do you ever get distracted by reminiscing, trying to remember where the object came from, getting nostalgic, etc.? That's why it takes me hours to clean up my room.... Similarly, it took me a while just to even look at these receipts. It's amazing what memories are packed with these little motherf'ing pieces of papers. It's amazing how much has happened. It's amazing how I spent so much time with others--shopping, eating out, etc.--in the past, but now we don't even acknowledge each other in the school hallways. It's amazing how much I changed.

Regrettably and gratefully, I changed a lot. Everyday I feel like I'm evolving into this Super Saiyan version, maybe even like the Nega Scott from "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" (sorry fanatics, I mean the movie), of myself. I'm not sure if it's a bad or a good Jennifer, but I know it's a realer me. Granted I lost many friends along the way, this journey has been very humbling. I am much more honest nowadays, and I'm also not that bitchy "I'VE BEEN HOLDING THIS IN FOR SO LONG" Jennifer. I don't really know. I hope it's that banal, inevitable stage in life I've heard so much about: "growing up".

Thank you everyone for the memories, even if we no longer speak. You really paid a part in my past. My present would be so much more different without you, and my future is continuously shaping itself according to the relative past.

Now, onto the more morose thoughts... (what do you expect from teenage angst?)
Not that I necessarily miss the people (everyone changes), but I definitely miss the memories with them. For example, there's a receipt from Journeys for colored striped tube socks. Ah, yes, my summer with my ASB. Can you believe it's been over a year since? It's so hard to believe: it feels like yesterday yet many years ago. We won 1st place for our skit in the county, how incredible. And, I can't believe I actually organized Red Ribbon Week, Pennies for Patients, the canned food drive, etc. (You will only truly understand if you're a part of ASB) IT WAS HARD WORK LOL. But, I learned so much from the experience! And I was so lucky to be a part of--at the time, seemed miserable--such an awesome activity.

I bought some stuff at Victoria's Secret because there was a sale. Right when I saw that receipt, I instantly remembered: I was with Catherine in the summer of 2009. We shopped way too much then. And it just makes me so nostalgic. We've known each other for our 99.999% of our lives (I'm older by 2 weeks), but we actually became friends around 4th grade. We actually became close right before 10th grade, because we had Confirmation and AP European History together. Then, we seriously talked a little too much to each other. But we've gone through thick and thin, and I think I've been in this relationship long enough to say that Catherine has been a huge part of my life. Can you imagine all of that, 17 years worth of memories, rushing back into my head because of some damn receipt?

And though it's not a receipt, my movie ticket stub from a movie this year brings me back. I know, it was only 2010. I watched "Easy A" with Justina and someone else. After the movie, we went to check out CDs and DVDs. At the time, I was really embarrassed because I said things that sounded pretentious and annoying (and the person did the same!). In hindsight, I think it's HILARIOUS. I can't believe I freaked out over Elliott Smith and The Shins. LOL. It's so hard to explain; it's really a thing Justina and I can only talk about....
About 90% of my movie ticket stubs were obtained with Justina. We have gone through so much. She knows so much about me... and each movie we've watched together has been a great experience. Whenever I look at these stubs (once in a blue moon, but it happens), I just am flabbergasted at our relationship. In the 5th grade, I got mad at her because the only secret she would tell me was her fake birthday date. In the 7th grade, she was mad at me, and I apologized by writing her a note. In the 12th grade, we played "WoW" together. Basically,

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. I can't even type it up in its entirety because it's too personal and lengthy. And I guess I can really sit down and think about it, even type about it, when I'm looking at an artifact from my past.

Still, time is quickly passing by - too quickly. Our time is really coming to an end... just 2 months left of school. I don't have enough time to even spend with my friends I'm most likely never going to see for a very long time, if ever. Before we know it, it's over. They don't know how much they mean to me. What if I all have left of my friends are these lifeless receipts?

Saturday, March 26

i don't know where to go...........................

but i guess i should be happy i even am wondering

Monday, March 14


i am now making a vow to myself to not check any college-related forums or sites UNLESS i received an official e-mail about decisions. i'm wasting my time being so antsy ugh

Saturday, March 12

i don't need these colleges, these scholarships, these awards, a home, food, money, anything, everything
i would trade it all just to have you back
the greatest regret in the seventeen years of my stupid fucking life is not spending it with you when i had the chance

when people tell me they don't know what it's like being a "regular" teenager
i just want to scream

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